Going to be real here.
It’s been really rough keeping things updated, keeping a positive mind, moving forward. TougeSW project of mine has been helping alot with that lately
15 years ago, I was living in a whole new state, a whole new life and it was something I needed extremely badly as one day 16 years ago(2009), I played Russian roulette and I ended up being the lucky one or I wouldn’t be here today. (more details in my book). From 2000 till 2009 I had nothing but 9 years of trauma stacked upon me from cancer, a marriage, gas lighting and so on. It all came to a point I needed to leave because I don’t belong in Vegas but also in 2009, I needed to leave because of all that trauma, it was my fight or flight response.
Born and Raised in Vegas, I never fit in and I’ve had to struggle to meet and keep friends and when I did get friends I ended up trying what I can to keep them around so I am not alone.I’ve learned to let people go after my first breakup at 16. That is when I saw the decline of friendships after that and started to notice excuses people make to avoid me all together so I give up keeping the contact alive.
fast forward to 15 years ago, I met people in Oregon who came around just because they wanted to help or hang out with me, or get invited to events. The whole TougeNW history is what really shaped my love for the PNW (Pacific NorthWest). I didn’t have to do anything and I felt accepted. I guess this is why I hate Vegas all together. I never, not once met anyone here in vegas to have friends that would help one another and I’ve met alot of people, it was rare to have anytype of friendship just for friendship. I guess this also digs down to a random moment during my time in lvnet when some guy told me that someone from their job said I look extremely stupid and this has dug deep in my mind since a burning hate how people see me and I didn’t even know the person yet they say this about me.
Now fast forward to 14 years ago, shortly after my life and career was held against my will and forced to move back to Vegas. Same life after I’ve returned, I had to barbarian it up and wanted to fight to return to Oregon and now I’ve been stuck living paycheck to paycheck and when I get a moment to save like I did to move to Oregon, something happens to me here in Vegas, keeping me in this heat dust bowl.
I may have been a fighter and won battles from street fights in middle and highschool to fighting cancer but when it came to how naive and gullible I was just to have a friend, be liked, I’ve been traumatized and hurt so many times in Vegas that I feel like I am living in prison here and now that it’s been 15 years since my return from freedon, I really feel like I’m living here in prison and serving a life sentence.
And now going on 6 years I’ve lost both my mom and the only friend I only had left, I am not where I want to be in life, I am not successful at what I want to do, I am only successful at surviving the “family curse of just surviving”. I don’t want to be in that mode but I am just extremely burned out, I do wish I had help with no one to turn to.
As I do say, one day at a time.