End of an Era
I feel like this is an end of an era for me, like an example my last post about WoW must die not just because it’s a milked cow by blizzard but also for me, I don’t find it fun anymore, I used it to hide myself from the world to isolate myself from it and all the trauma and pain. If you have read my book or read my podcasts / listen to, you would see my pain.
I came to terms recently, that I need to make changes in my own life to become successful in areas. I guess the realization became when I took a look at my recent growth on Youtube, I just went from 100 to 169 in a matter of like 4 months and I’ve had that channel open since 2005 when I posted my first video on World of warcraft’s endless 6 months of grinding for the winterspring frostsaber.
So the end of an era begins here, I want to build a business, start a community and do what I’ve dreamed of doing, I’ve been doing nothing but chasing other peoples ideas and dreams thinking I can adopt their ways to be like them but instead I feel like I’ve been more driven away from these ideologies.
I am done crying about it, so I was thinking as I am writing this letter to a judge. I need to focus on my own health, I need to focus on my own growth as I wont and will not grow in either gaming nor cyber security world and here is why:
I wont grow in the gaming world because of the lack of support I’ve gotten from both the communities and dev’s I’ve made this argument in the past even to the point that the Dev’s rather recruit someone lesser than I am or communities that would promote growth from with in but when I’ve finally ask about it and be apart of it I either become a mod for the communities and / or booted from their communities when I can’t be around at a special time due to a new work schedule. Being trans, and a gamer at first, I got support, but then I got isolated and ignored to a point my growth was going negative for it and I didn’t do anything and to a point when creators get so high on their growth and they go, “oh you are still around” as if I should have given up years ago attitude. These people are ruthless and maybe when they ask if they are bad people instead of candy coating it, they essentially are bad people. But what can I say I am a no body. A lot of titles that I’ve applied for as it’s a catch 22 in growth when it comes to me and my own community. I can’t grow if no one wants to help and without something I can’t grow, 10 years though has taught me one thing, anxiety and public speaking is a lot better than it used to be. It’s just a vicious circle, it’s sad, and because I have nothing to gain from, I wont grow. Games I loved playing was warframe, reached out and got denied then watched some people ranked much lower on the twitch levels get in but I was left out. Sea of Thieves, that would have been good I had the numbers at one point but same issue, Conan Exiles / Funcom met them at twitch con 23 and ghosted. One that hurt the most was warframe as even I was teach people left and right how to play. One creator that could have helped me, ignored my existence as I served even as their moderator, could have helped me with even tracking down someone from Square Enix that could potentially, with luck recover my old Final Fantasy XI account instead of fighting for years. Instead, I got the boot when I was busy in meeting in my new job. Instead of putting me on their list for technically on vacation. Sad part is I didn’t do anything all I ever did was Exist and ask simple questions and helped out when I could. Then it just became I go live and no one cares, twitter becomes X, and the whole shift goes from twitch advertising to nothing at all. So, it has to be like this Being a trans streamer on twitch is and has to be over for me, this is an era, as I can’t keep it up any longer, I can’t be recognized as an equal it’s no longer worth it for me.
So, coming down the cyber security train, I did podcasts and a book no one cares tho, I’ve hacked with some great names from ytcracker, razor1911, and even gH (global hell). But I guess until they remember me and gave a shit, I’m like crash override before they knew crash was zero cool. But the real kicker is starting a group with a friend before he moved away, called it dc702 and it has been dragging its feet to kick up a new group, then I get someone coming in my own community and then telling me basically f.u. and a year later finding out they did their own version of dc702 and demands me to point my group over. I am like I don’t even know these fools, why am I going to do that? I would have been more than open to partnering up and all I just want is some recognition and participation on a founder’s level. But it is what it is, and they have moved on and so have I. Building my old WRnet like the old days is done, it is also an end of an era before it even started, even with my righteous hack I am still a nobody,
People I knew, friends, family all are dying as we all age. Timing is growing short, even for myself and if you have read my book most of my life was forcefully wasted because of my dreams was held from me.
I’ll be working mostly on promoting my business venture with VegasHackware and my Niche on Youtube from this point forward, going back to drifting as a hobby and hopefully I can get my side hustle moving forward. If I ever get the spotlight, or inclusion I may be back on twitch streaming again get back to supporting others again, but it is an end to an era as one door closes another is opening.