Recently I decided to make a switch forward by taking a step back.
And here is why?……
This is all Food for thought! so I am tossing down some new recent notes and such, as I am doing what I can to thrive and move forward.
Problem I have seen is that I started to feel overwhelmed in my own feeling as I would thought the people I’ve met would also toss their success towards my way as well, assuming and think it was some-type of streamer un-written rule or that is how a few people swore it by and I listened to them and that is because I want to leave the casino job, I want to feel the love for once and finally break the feeling of that unpopular and ugly person that my ex-wife once beat into me.
These feelings is bad, it’s also bad for image…. and I had to take a stand for myself. If you wanted to know that I am trans and show some pride, I do have a twitter for you to see.
it isn’t the game you are playing, it isn’t the pitfall games as I once mentioned. I can’t just go on with being a trans woman streamer as even the bigger ones have removed their pride with it to embrace an audience, I don’t doll up enough to show it so I cannot inspire others or they never show that I inspire them. I attempt to create a podcast for my transition to in hopes to gather others and create an inspiration.
But that didn’t help at all… and it feels like I am more alienated than I was when I started.
I am not popular, I didn’t hack some government agency and got tossed into a prison, I majorly hacked and then worked for an ISP, but that the owner took advantage of me and it felt like I was placed in a prison of always chasing the carrot… and when the time came to shine, I was only worth $8/hour under the table to them and that is what I got for my righteous hack. I walked away with only knowledge for when I finally broke my prison but lost nearly myself from the many years and a battle with cancer. Personally, my biggest fear is that tomorrow I could pass away and no one will ever remember my name.
I am a pirate & I am a hacker and I am the grey-hat one at that, so I must embrace this and use my knowledge as much as I can and try to do more technical streams. It feels more my niche on twitch with these, not the target I want to catch but it is an audience. When it comes to games, I am great, I do my best to engage but I feel my stream gets skipped and I get no help on it even from other content creators to see what I can do to improve. So there for I gotta do what I gotta do and taking a step back and releasing myself from various of things such as pride and branding of association. In thought, I can’t be me if I rep another affiliation I gotta earn myself first and take a bigger step up and then show an affiliation Because at this point I feel more like a peon behind a big shield covering me of this affiliation, I need to toss away that shield and be a step up and be that knight and only have the affiliation as a “oh hey you are affiliated with them too, cool!” so I can give that affiliation a rep +1. If this makes any sense?
Right now, I am fighting for me, I am fighting to make a name. And nothing has been working because if it was where are they? where is that support? where is the hype to help keep me going?
I am a self motivated person and I can be very dangerous at that because of my outside of the box critical thinking.
Lets see what tomorrow might bring I am always thriving to make the stream better.