Part 3, Moving Forward.

The Struggle: I struggle to be recognized as more than an NPC but then again being an NPC is the perfect way to dip into the darkness and claim riches, ditch the ethics, become the Countess of Monte Cristo (Metaphorically Speaking). Watching Breaking bad for the first time broke me in a way to finally watch a show I can’t just phone up my mom and talk to her about it but it also broke me in a way I am losing time and more I keep trying to get recognize as more. Maybe it is the after effects of being on the pedestal from the promise to greatness or being told I am a great person being gaslit on both grounds. The struggle begins where I know I can be great and lead and do great things, but the issue is trust and that trust is hard to earn when you feel rejected.

The Rejection: Since my departure from the ISP, on top of my conquering own challenges and breaking my own boundaries to know my actual worth.  Like the story of Conan, the Barbarian (movie) where Conan was on the wheel of pain for years and then became a fighter and was set free one day. I can relate this part of my story on that freedom.  When he claims his sword he finds his calling, like me I found my “sword” so to speak, I trained myself inside of slavery being a CISO or a cyber security engineer professional on top of many other skills shaping my self to be a master of all. My skills is far greater than I have ever known humbly I’ve been seeking entry level jobs under estimating what I really know and that is what my current role has shown me regardless of what kind of role, it is a survival role do to my enslavement of the ISP and my Axe (metaphorically speaking) is Cyber security based, hacker based.

Moving forward: Vegas Hackware not just my book, it is my Axe and By this Axe, I rule (a reference to Conan the barbarian / Kull the conqueror metaphor). It is my way to move forward, somehow use this as my business to conquer the hearts and my ultimate goal is finally be myself, be needed, be seen, and get out of the desert and move north again give back the ones in need and make a difference to the world and to the communities I reside in. But as I struggle and stuck in survival mode, it is in the end just waiting One day at a time until I can find the right opporunity.

If by any means, feel free to contant me from the Vegas Hackware side of things if you want to help or be apart of a success story.

Hi there here is part 2 , listing the wins.

Since returning back to vegas in 2011 just under 15 years ago now.

Self Confidence:  I learned when I returned to Lvnet how bad they are and how much it really effected my mental health working there.  I seeked out a pchycologist not just for my change in life to help me shape who I really am but for all the trauma I’ve had, this is the point it helped me to  break free again, I learned my self worth was alot higher than that home depot parking lot worker. Working in the Casinos taught me how dishonesty runs wild but it also taught me how much I really developed over time.

I am a hacker all along, My story starts in 98, 99 during the time of the hackware wars, the syn and smurf attacks to remote shells and the love for the OS slackware linux. During the hackware wars I took over lvnet(ispnet) as this was my origin story into become that  jump started my hacker success story, but sadly because I was never appriased for it, I was never got on the news for it, I became an unsung hero who got lost in a cult leader narcissistic owner Marty Mizrahi abuse. I became more aware of my cybersecurity background than I realized and I’ve been using alot of cyber security guidelines that normally exceeds any computer tech in their field in which is why I was able to step up so far in any IT field. When I finally broke into IT Security Patch and Vuln. Management, I got alot of flack for it because the lack of schooling and degrees and only thing that got me in the door was the experience and my hacks. I’ve never been thrown under the buss for co workers lack of performance before nor being verbally abused in a corporate casino job before but regardless of that not only did I succeed I made sure the team did as well even when I had to rework their job roles to make mine harder and they took all the glory for it. Sadly I was let go from this casino job in 2023.

The book, the best righteous hack yet to date back in 2020 shortly after the pandemic, rich in knowingmy worth, I asked for my partnership to make me their CISO and let me reshape the company to be more secure and work flow so much better and help change how things worked inside as it was being ran like a childrens playground.  But he laughed at me and told me I was worth less than 10 an hour to him even then.  Moving forward, I lost my job in 2023, I phoned him up for a temp job and unfolded the lies from being told  on how Marty isn’t in control of the company in which he is soo much in control as back in 2022 he was arrested for multiple counts of fraud.  Back track in 2020 shortly after the CISO Partnership rejection, I started to write a book in honor of my mom, I went full force the moment Marty was arrested for fraud in 2022 and published it in March of 2023.  This book somehow got into Lvnet and were I learned that I was unhirable with no explaination but I later learned that it was just that, the book. At the same time i got a call back from another job so I stopped attempting to get the temp job in place. The book started to play more into the fraud case as I was being told by an FBI informant about the information given to the case was to be shown how deep his roots went into lies, fraud, and much much more. I also helped the informat as their life was being threatened by Marty.  I created a series on the whole lvnet scenario, dug more into the background, taken stories that still to this day I get DM’s about how Marty affected them and SEO the book to the point I’ve seen a high sale and hits on the podcasts and books during the initial trial. When I heard Marty was found guilty on all counts, that is when I seen and can oonly speculate that my book played a heavy role on this and in my book that is a righteous hack using truth to shed the justice served, but it is an unsung hero hack that will never see a glory, sadly.

Other wins, getting ceritified with a+ helped boosted my self worth as a human, getting ready for ccna certs and taking and passing practice tests with almost if not 100% most of the time but was never able to afford the certs gave me courage that I can and learned alot in the networking field already. I got and passed my ITiL foundations v4 exam with 100%, I trained in CEH and CISSP (exhauting & long but I also  practice with tests that I could find), but lost he ability of the company (casino) to pay for them due to the pandemic and their calling off all spending.  Embracing the new job with learning and mastering the azure cloud.

In closing, what burns me out the most is the field of work I am in, I am not an IT Professional, I am a hacker, a Cyber Security Professional. I am not a Linus tech tips or Leo from TechTV. Never inspired to be, I wanted to be a Kevin Mitnick and make the world a better and more secure place.

Going to be real here. 

It’s been really rough keeping things updated, keeping a positive mind, moving forward. TougeSW project of mine has been helping alot with that lately

15 years ago, I was living in a whole new state, a whole new life and it was something I needed extremely badly as one day 16 years ago(2009), I played Russian roulette and I ended up being the lucky one or I wouldn’t be here today. (more details in my book). From 2000 till 2009 I had nothing but 9 years of trauma stacked upon me from cancer, a marriage, gas lighting and so on. It all came to a point I needed to leave because I don’t belong in Vegas but also in 2009, I needed to leave because of all that trauma, it was my fight or flight response.

Born and Raised in Vegas, I never fit in and I’ve had to struggle to meet and keep friends and when I did get friends I ended up trying what I can to keep them around so I am not alone.I’ve learned to let people go after my first breakup at 16. That is when I saw the decline of friendships after that and started to notice excuses people make to avoid me all together so I give up keeping the contact alive. 

fast forward to 15 years ago, I met people in Oregon who came around just because they wanted to help or hang out with me, or get invited to events. The whole TougeNW history is what really shaped my love for the PNW (Pacific NorthWest). I didn’t have to do anything  and I felt accepted. I guess this is why I hate Vegas all together. I never, not once met anyone here in vegas to have friends that would help one another and I’ve met alot of people, it was rare to have anytype of friendship just for friendship. I guess this also digs down to a random moment during my time in lvnet when some guy told me that someone from their job said I look extremely stupid and this has dug deep in my mind since a burning hate how people see me and I didn’t even know the person yet they say this about me. 

Now fast forward to 14 years ago, shortly after my life and career was held against my will and forced to move back to Vegas. Same life after I’ve returned, I had to barbarian it up and wanted to fight to return to Oregon and now I’ve been stuck living paycheck to paycheck and when I get a moment to save like I did to move to Oregon, something happens to me here in Vegas, keeping me in this heat dust bowl. 

I may have been a fighter and won battles from street fights in middle and highschool to fighting cancer but when it came to how naive and gullible I was just to have a friend, be liked, I’ve been traumatized and hurt so many times in Vegas that I feel like I am living in prison here and now that it’s been 15 years since my return from freedon,  I really feel like I’m living here in prison and serving a life sentence.

And now going on 6 years I’ve lost both my mom and the only friend I only had left, I am not where I want to be in life, I am not successful at what I want to do, I am only successful at surviving the “family curse of just surviving”. I don’t want to be in that mode but  I am just extremely burned out, I do wish I had help with no one to turn to. 

As I do say, one day at a time. 

End of an Era

I feel like this is an end of an era for me, like an example my last post about WoW must die not just because it’s a milked cow by blizzard but also for me, I don’t find it fun anymore, I used it to hide myself from the world to isolate myself from it and all the trauma and pain. If you have read my book or read my podcasts / listen to, you would see my pain.

I came to terms recently, that I need to make changes in my own life to become successful in areas. I guess the realization became when I took a look at my recent growth on Youtube, I just went from 100 to 169 in a matter of like 4 months and I’ve had that channel open since 2005 when I posted my first video on World of warcraft’s endless 6 months of grinding for the winterspring frostsaber.

So the end of an era begins here, I want to build a business, start a community and do what I’ve dreamed of doing, I’ve been doing nothing but chasing other peoples ideas and dreams thinking I can adopt their ways to be like them but instead I feel like I’ve been more driven away from these ideologies.

I am done crying about it, so I was thinking as I am writing this letter to a judge. I need to focus on my own health, I need to focus on my own growth as I wont and will not grow in either gaming nor cyber security world and here is why:

I wont grow in the gaming world because of the lack of support I’ve gotten from both the communities and dev’s  I’ve made this argument in the past even to the point that the Dev’s rather recruit someone lesser than I am or communities that would promote growth from with in but when I’ve finally ask about it and be apart of it I either become a mod for the communities and / or booted from their communities when I can’t be around at a special time due to a new work schedule.  Being trans, and a gamer at first, I got support, but then I got isolated and ignored to a point my growth was going negative for it and I didn’t do anything and to a point when creators get so high on their growth and they go, “oh you are still around” as if I should have given up years ago attitude. These people are ruthless and maybe when they ask if they are bad people instead of candy coating it, they essentially are bad people. But what can I say I am a no body.  A lot of titles that I’ve applied for as it’s a catch 22 in growth when it comes to me and my own community. I can’t grow if no one wants to help and without something I can’t grow, 10 years though has taught me one thing, anxiety and public speaking is a lot better than it used to be.  It’s just a vicious circle, it’s sad, and because I have nothing to gain from, I wont grow.  Games I loved playing was warframe, reached out and got denied then watched some people ranked much lower on the twitch levels get in but I was left out. Sea of Thieves, that would have been good I had the numbers at one point but same issue, Conan Exiles / Funcom met them at twitch con 23 and ghosted. One that hurt the most was warframe as even I was teach people left and right how to play. One creator that could have helped me, ignored my existence as I served even as their moderator, could have helped me with even tracking down someone from Square Enix that could potentially, with luck recover my old Final Fantasy XI account instead of fighting for years. Instead, I got the boot when I was busy in meeting in my new job. Instead of putting me on their list for technically on vacation. Sad part is I didn’t do anything all I ever did was Exist and ask simple questions and helped out when I could. Then it just became I go live and no one cares, twitter becomes X, and the whole shift goes from twitch advertising to nothing at all.  So, it has to be like this Being a trans streamer on twitch is and has to be over for me, this is an era, as I can’t keep it up any longer, I can’t be recognized as an equal it’s no longer worth it for me.

So, coming down the cyber security train, I did podcasts and a book no one cares tho, I’ve hacked with some great names from ytcracker, razor1911, and even gH (global hell). But I guess until they remember me and gave a shit, I’m like crash override before they knew crash was zero cool. But the real kicker is starting a group with a friend before he moved away, called it dc702 and it has been dragging its feet to kick up a new group, then I get someone coming in my own community and then telling me basically f.u. and a year later finding out they did their own version of dc702 and demands me to point my group over.  I am like I don’t even know these fools, why am I going to do that?  I would have been more than open to partnering up and all I just want is some recognition and participation on a founder’s level. But it is what it is, and they have moved on and so have I. Building my old WRnet like the old days is done, it is also an end of an era before it even started, even with my righteous hack I am still a nobody,

People I knew, friends, family all are dying as we all age. Timing is growing short, even for myself and if you have read my book most of my life was forcefully wasted because of my dreams was held from me.

I’ll be working mostly on promoting my business venture with VegasHackware and my Niche on Youtube from this point forward, going back to drifting as a hobby and hopefully I can get my side hustle moving forward.  If I ever get the spotlight, or inclusion I may be back on twitch streaming again get back to supporting others again, but it is an end to an era as one door closes another is opening.

Twitch: My stream schedule is mostly from 7:30, or 8pm till late.  Even tho my goal is to hit partnership and make a name for myself my stream has been abandoned by people (story of my life, litterly). So I have to keep this more of a backburner these days, I feel like the days of trying anything is far over.

My car projects: I’ve been focus on my Youtube channel the vlog of various of issues relating to my myself returning to the drift world.

Other  stuff, I have been struggling finanacially I couldn’t have lost my job at a very bad time. I have been on the borderline of loosing my home and everything and become homeless again.  I am still playing catch up, and I am not relaying on a law suite even tho I am in the right and in the favor of a good win.

I’ve released my paperback book finally, I am working on another book on my transition after that I am going to write out my old comic book from school as a creative story series.

I am really tempted to pool together a go fund me to get my business VegasHackware launched.