Hi there, for the lack of a better term, and what I have been trying to say and how I am trying to deliver it.

April 2nd is a deadline for myself, if I can’t make something I want & need soo badly to happen, rather it be my side business, my job, or even my own streaming on twitch. I have to call it quits.  I am also trying to decided If I will be stepping away from Computers, IT, Cyber and all…

Here is my pivot point: I am switching to and humbling down too from.

Shifting my focus towards the car community I refugeed back when I was in Oregon and got inspired to do at one point maybe shift focus into the underground car community and give back into what it means to street race and that deadly underground world. Switching careers to potentially autozone or firestone, maybe I could just jump in as a manager of something along that lines.  Because I do have excellent customer service skills and management to follow.

I guess you can say:

I am tired of fighting for where I want to be, I am done going the extra mile because I don’t hold that special degree or a cert when clearly I can do the job and so on…  I can’t afford 5k+ certs and I can’t afford that debt for schooling for it.

I am tired of actually getting into a field with my skills but it isn’t where I want to be and I get stuck with poor management to a point I become a target of harassment and bullied upon.

I hate applying for computer related jobs because I am a shitty  network / sales person and I can’t get to that point on my own with out some type of help.

This is how my business isn’t launching: 

In Oregon, I used a tool called BNI(Business Network International), it’s a forced network marketing with others, you pay to play, the business picked up because I am not a sales person but my business partner was and it was “forced” networking and doing business with. . Replicate that in Vegas is hard mainly due to the BNI is much more expensive and at the time I was living basically homeless but had a full time under the table job back at the ISP just to make money. I don’t have any type of partnerships to also get the help from. I do have a full on layout floorplan how the business model will be successful from a short to long term goals but to sell that to someone has been a super hard challenge.   I went as far as email scraping and spamming local businesses but not 1 bite and been at this since 2011, and always retrying different strat that would have worked in the early 00’s.

My stream of games will sadly come to an end, because not just with a career change but my side I’ll have to be lowering my costs such as my huge internet bill. Sole purpose of getting unlimited and gigabyte speeds was for streaming gaming. Purpose of Streaming is networking and community building with applied support from the games I play.  Maybe I’ll change my mind if things where different and I had some type of networking partner or something.  Thinking back I did alot of major accomplishments for myself I even broke my own people anxiety but that is as far as it goes.

When my ex-wife has told me “you are not a like-able person” as I know one way she was saying that because she was attempting to actually bully me but it is hard not to agree that she was right and I have seen that now. I have had multiple front page exposures and best I got from that is 2-3 average viewers less than a few active that pops in every now and then. from 2018, this is now 2021… in midst of the pandemic. Numbers are insane for viewership just… not for me.. there has been weeks and months I’ve taken time off of work and streamed during the day and spent 8 – 12 hour streams and maybe I’ll get 1 day of multiple viewers but on average nope.

Applied for gaming sponsorship from gaming companies, this ends up in heartbreak all the damn time.  Prime examples is Companies like Warframe or Sea of thieves are the 2 major ones I currently play. Warframe or DE is solely if one of their people actually like you vs what you can bring to the table and if you have a friend already they can get you in. SoT is more of a high demand relaying on your YouTube viewership than their Twitch….

In a nutshell:

There is a saying my mom would tell me over time and time again about the story about the mom who baked cookies and asked for help countless of times but never receives it.  Cookies are done and now everyone wants one but refuses to give one to the people who didn’t help.

I guess, you can say I have been attempting to make and bake these cookies for soo long, it’s time to toss them out and start a new batch elsewhere.

I am trapped, I have been trying to break away since 2019 when alot of bad things happened around when my mother passed away, I am extremely unhappy with my work environment. I have feel like I have made a HUGE mistake and I want to quit so badly but if I do I would have to refinance my house again just to survive for a little bit until I can find someway to make the income as I am currently living paycheck to paycheck and thanks to the pandemic I am really strapped on the cash flow.

You ask why is it bothering me that much I should be grateful and suck it up?  Well here is an example what I am dealing with, I am doing what I normally do but when it got down to the last moment of doing your job, you are now getting told what to do and micromanaged how they want you to do it treating you like a baby that I don’t even know how to do my job anymore and the abuse continues with their poor choice of words to a point I want to quit and I am sitting there screaming “please fire me already I can’t do this anymore”

I have been applying to get out for the longest time, as you would figure being in the black hat field before would qualify you for a cyber job somewhere right? nope, I didn’t get arrested with the government so there for I am a no one.  Yeah I broke into servers, dumped databased, traded databases for stuff, built automated scripts and DDoS Attack drones, no big deal right? sure I hacked an ISP and then worked for them, but I am worth less than a McDonalds employee to them and the same type of verbal harassment in return so what is the point of returning to work for them? I would get more money working in Starbucks as a barista at this point.

I have been trying for jobs I know I would fit in and do extremely well and have that return of invested time in not just for the money but feeling rather useful for my time.  But, every time I get to the second interview, it turns out great but I get that follow up email “sorry, try again another time”

Then I look at this side hustle… I get motivated to try and keep trying to push it but when I even spam out flyers and such not even a bite.

What gets me is for an example, I am even a moderator for some communities and they see me struggling and is damn well they should know that I could do everything from hosting  graphic and web design for them but I feel they don’t care enough and I get ignored on that area too like a punch in the gut showing they don’t give a shit regardless I spend my time helping them out.

When I brought back WRNet as a community I was motivated because at one point  it was a growing community with 1k+ IRC server at one point but now I have barely a handful of people that hang out but 9/10 muted it because what is the point of talking to me?  which brings me back to feeling like I am a no one.

I have been feeling down and it has been hitting me and rethinking things with just giving up  and currently thinking of what will I just convert and focus into, just be labeled as a new person “X” and register this person X and let these domains expire and not renew them.

I have felt and have been feeling like I’ve made a mistake into keep going as I have wasted 20 years on the RavenPC / WonderingRaven brand alone.

On the good side, I did meet a few friends along the way, but that is all. Support for what I do is ignored on a greater level and I have to think and reinvent myself as I am now 41 and I really got nothing.

I am still trying to figure this out, meaning if I see some type of light at the end of the tunnel then I’ll continue but Just like any bad business investments, you have to let it go.

“I started with this hacking shit, and this is the motherfuckin thanks I get?”

As the song plays on and story about to be told and unleashed to YT Hell, I hacked my career in IT and into the ISP as my first job. I did do a smaller version but this one I am about to release is a much more in depth to this version. 

• 1999 – 2000 -> I started out as a cyber punk, black hat asshat.
• 2000 -> r00ted and Owned the ISP due to a major beef with other hackers that had access first but never patched them.
• 2000 – 2007 – it took 3 tries to get in the door, over time  I ended up waring a multi hat admin, engineering, and service desk role but was only worth $10/hour as *cheap* labor with promises that was never fulfilled.  This ISP owner basically hacked me in return as he socially, mentally, and verbally abused me over time.
• 2011 – 2012 – I returned to this ISP in thinking I would get something from it but back to verbally abusing me.
• 2020 – I handed an offer I was laughed at and was told I was too expensive, with a fuck off and have a nice day.  *note, I never pointed out any money to be asking*

I feel like I am wasting my time with a place that see me only as “cheap” labor and knowing my own worth should be an powerful ally let alone.

There is always 2 sides to every story, but I always tried to think that maybe things will get better? you know be nice or too nice? turn the other cheek?

I can understand why sooo many people hate the guy, could never trust him, his verbal abuse alone is what causes the problems to begin with.

He did in fact got me involved with the FBI once when I was recovering from cancer and all I did was answer his call to give him a helping hand and as soon as I arrive at the warehouse it got raided and this moment I will never forget when I had both the ATF and FBI pointed Their Automatic rifles at my head for over hours. I should have ended my career with the ISP *then* in 2003 not continue on until 2007.

I wrote alot of my frustrations in 2004 – 2007 on my own personal blogs back then, why would I have wrote such things?

Here is A thought of why as I am self reflecting, I needed to reach out as I was being verbally abused, maybe for a good intention but everything was handled badly and poorly to a point I felt trapped, starved, and I really needed help as I felt like I’ve made a huge mistake at that point of my life.  I couldn’t escape, I needed help badly and I even relayed upon my ex-wife to help me hence is why I left in 2007 and finally pushed myself to a real job from there.

As I am reflecting about the the offer I handed over, the thought process was when he called me a friend in 2019, thinking he might have changed a bit or turned a new leaf?

Just the rejection alone had me reflecting about it and I keep bouncing the idea if I could will it work? and in the end is it worth the effort?

Always thinking of ways of could have handled alot of the situations but the first and foremost is that I should not have been in any of the situations in the first place. If promises was kept and rewards, promotions, and career boosting opportunities arise from within things would have been a whole lot better and proud to be apart of the ISP would be there and not feel like I work for a joke.

I mean they where a joke before I started in 99/00, they had no idea who did what to their network, Pretty much still a joke now with high turnaround rates for low wages.

With all these reflections, thoughts, and memories, I am trying to justify a way if there is a chance I could break down that verbal abuse and claim a promise?

Ultimate goal is to be a partner of some sort with this ISP, CISO is in mind and that is the Ultimate prize, and the dream to build my team and hire a lot of good talent or potential talent.

Sadly… that will never happen. Not unless this owner has a change of heart.